dear mum, dad and sister

a flower in Gansbaai

Here's the letter I wrote a few days after I left

Dear Mum, Dad & Alice,

My disappearance happened without a warning. I left everything behind, with all the difficulties it implies (for me and for others); to be honest, I'd say that it had been there in my mind for quite some time and I didn't dare to acknowledge it. To go and leave everything behind is the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. To think about the suffering I would inflict upon my relatives didn't prevent me from disappearing. As for Catherine, it feels like betraying her. I'm afraid to say it'll be very hard for her to cope with it. And I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for what I've done to her. Behaving like a coward is not "me"... and yet, it is a part of me I discovered. Each and every day that passes I think about Dad, Mum, Alice, my two nieces, Catherine, Louise and my friends. But today, I cannot indulge in guilt or I will collapse. Be assured that I want to live. I have this vital need to breathe pure air. To take the time to think peacefully and start a new life. Don't worry, I am fine, well... as fine as one can be in such circumstances. From the bottom of my heart, I ask you, Dad, Mum, Alice, Catherine and Louise for forgiveness.

Thomas